it is such a shame

it is such a shame when another human just sees another face,

erasing their story by looking at the surface

thief of silence

sometimes the thief 

comes at night

to steal your silence

your sleep,

your rest,

shakes up the bed

with a loud voice

like a trumpet

there is many ways 

to shake one's life

but waking up

in your most vulnerable state

will always leave a mark

on a human's heart

it can be for good

now you remember to put

on the safety lock

so it won't (at least you hope)

happen again

but you've lost something

you can't get back

it's the peace

you once had

it has turned into a

distant memory

of waking up to a quiet morning

now there is no more silence

there is always a sound

even if there isn't 

your mind can't tell the difference

a twist of a doorknob

and here it comes

your heart drops

whats the hurry?

i like people that form paths

it takes courage to take steps

to where no one has ever walked

see it first,

for yourself

maybe you were pushed into the

outgrown, unknown fields

mix of different flowers

different weeds

with the wisdom to seperate

the thorns 

under your feet

you had no other choice

but to walk away

because you have learned to

choose what is worth the pain

pain, 

when suffering well,

can be turned into wisdom

just watch that it tastes good,

there is no worth in a fruit that

is too bitter to eat

both are thrown away

knowledge will cease

what will stay?

all things are worthless,

except to love

i will continue choosing that

even if it has to take distance

to guard a heart from devil's resistance

i find comfort in that,

even if in the seen,

you seem to walk alone

there is someone in the unseen

who walks with you,

who has made Himself known

in the cross, 

having His arms wide open

welcoming you home

i don't mind it taking time

walking through the different scenery

because i know you are there

the light to my feet

where i end up,

i already know

but while i wait for the end to begin

if you say i have to go somewhere here

i will go

through the valleys,

the shadow of death,

even in the storm,

in You i can find rest

sometimes i find myself

in the dark pit

yet even there,

i know

you will let me live

there is no darkness too deep

for you to reach me

even though sometimes

i get fooled and tempted

to believe that you can't see me

and i fall deeper into the ways of men

the death of sin

it stings

hurts

burns

leaves nothing but ashes

yet again,

from ashes we can rise, 

you take us towards the sky

i know

your grace will wash me clean

and i can find new strenght

and courage 

to continue in faith

i must believe

when i walk past

the ancient ruins

letting out a prayer

"i hope someone else will remember"

what matters

when there is no more time for 

"see you later"

what was important in the 

beginning,

that has been shown

Dear God,

You let your love be known

but now for the most

its a mirror

that is blurry

i gaze at the roads

i see the people,

rushing in masses

"what is the hurry?"

my time has been set

in the heavens

in that, i can rest

but i still have to know my 

conquest

i can't forget

get entagled, caught,

in the spiders web

like the butterfly 

who was born,

but almost couldn't fly

because the spider,

seeing the butterflies process,

took it's time to cast around it his web

so the butterfly would never reach it's destiny in the sky

but then came the misty morning,

the rain exposed the spiders secret place

now the burtterfly knew where to fly,

without getting entagled

and eaten alive

peace

birds fly

houses

pass by

the fields show

flowers having their last 

meet and greet

before the seasons change

and i do too

roads, they are busy

paths formed,

to be less repetitive

taking us to the unknown

i wonder what time will show

but now

i'm seeking peace

making friends

with it, 

will it cease

i guess they call this

being stoic

but no 

i just spend time with the one and only

the only one we get to call Holy

part 2 of i need to sleep (i wont)

the fight for love is a path of pain,

because hatred, look around,

does it have much resistance?

i've seen movements that scream, point fingers and spit on the faces of another 

God bearing image

demanding them of love 

and understanding,

while they point the gun

and wouldn't hesitate to shoot

if they catch them of one minor flaw

but there is one who knows 

how to disarm someone 

that points the gun at them,

and he is the one 

who walked, bearing their pain

and hate, taking it with Him to the cross

He is the way of love,

and He told us it's a narrow path,

will you join Him?

walk it with Him, 

see the nails 

on those pierced hands,

the blood, sweat and tears it took

to free some from the spell of wicked dominion

the wicked does anything it can

to get unter the skin,

take it's place in the heart,

to freeze it from experiencing 

real sacrificial,

what we know to be

unconditional love

in our Father in Heaven, 

who died for us

while we were still nailing Him to the cross

our Father in Heaven, Our Lord, Our Messiah, Our teacher still, never left us alone, He taught and sent us

an advocator, 

the Holy spirit to guide us to the cross of love, so we wouldn't freeze on the way and be broken down to dust with our belongings that turn into rust

Seek the kingdom that is above,

and bring with you the treasures that can't perish, the souls that are seeking to find true love and have not yet given in, in the fight for good, 

who are still resisting, 

to find the truth 

because i've seen how

hatred hides in the roots of the tree

and it brings out fruits of bitterness,

every season it gets

and it demands,

commands,

in it's terms and conditions

masks itself to be the real

tree of life,

with it's lies that i has swalloved

i should be sleeping (i will)

i've been seeing the vulnerability of it,

sometimes dissociating, looking at it from afar, i guess, just so it wouldn't hurt as much, but i can't escape, because if i'm not experiencing, am i living at all?

i come back to my body,

feeling the hard feelings, 

my chest pumping, beating

bleeding pain

sometimes i feel the weight in my shoulders, like i carry heavy stones

with me everywhere i go,

and i see a glimpse of you, Jesus,

when you got to the cross

and i feel your tears,

how saddened you were,

you are,

about how your children are suffering

my compassion though; it's just a tiny

shadow next to your overwhelming,

blinding and pure love 

i wish i could bury myself in it,

and never wake up again to such

a cruel battle in this flesh

that fights against the spirit

every chance it gets

i am my own worst enemy

and i do remember the hard facts

sometimes i feel so beat up,

i don't even feel shame from

the ways i find relief for it

but shame eventually catches up

i feel ashamed from this dirt

sometimes i hate the human experience,

but i know also this,

this is the only chance i get to experience pain, because you promise freedom,

that one day every tear will be worth it

and there will be no more crying

and the lion and lamb shall lie together in peace in the green pastures you lead us

it's just so hard to keep this hope,

when pain is something 

that is all that you have known

from the moment you take your first breath,

you are so sensitive to every feeling,

and i think that's something that never left me

i am so sensitive to every sound, every (under)tone, every touch, everything that surrounds us, seen and unseen and sometimes i find ways to block it,

so i can momentarily be like a zombie,

but that's not living and i can't be living like i am dead

but living with this sensitivity,

is sometimes so unbearing to experience,

because it's almost as if i live in another world than most and my reality is questioned so much, 

that's why i have tried to jump out of it 

and it has left me with so many scars, 

so many stories, so many people,

most temporary, yes, you can guess,

i do love people, but i know most

will not have patience to seek love that lasts, and live in another story, that one day, one wrong thing i will probably say (or do) and they won't stay

that's why i'm prepared for every closing door

but i've met fighters, people who will fight to stay, fight to love you, no matter the pain, no matter the friction, the push and pull moments, when you try to keep your self safe by taking distance, they walk the mile to meet you again, i'll never not learn to be ungrateful of it, but sometimes i let out a sigh when i see them walking that mile to be with me, i ask myself "are you not tired yet" but i'm met with only joy

and that i think, represents Jesus and the lost little lamb, He always comes to find and get us, He sacrifices His time for us, isn't that the greatest form of love? and obviously, us humans are imperfect, but if you meet someone who fights for love, you've met a person who fights for the most important thing, for what matters the most, because only love can keep us together and only love can make us understand our broken ways and bring healing to the parts we try to keep in the shadows, in the unseen, because we are afraid. but perfect love casts out fear, it shows the lies and the illusions of what fear creates.