Swimming and floating

 I'm swimming in deep waters, going even deeper

The view is changing

and I can no longer go back, 

not even if I wanted to,

I can't reverse it,

so I keep on going,

even though I'm tired,

exhausted really,

but I know,

that drowning is not an option

I wonder where I will end up,

I hope I will leave behind something to examine, research, calculate,

wishing it's the thing that mattered the most,

but end can be sooner than I thought,

maybe there will be no longer swimming at all

But what do I know?

I look at the state of this world,

I watch some old TV

how many people let down their phone

and care to read?

In the old shows they are so much more articulate and silly

I haven't met many people who are fine with being silly anymore

and also;

How many find themselfs stopping,

flirting with boredom and then creating art out of it?

I hate AI slop

Please stop and create something

I don't want to be sucked into an artificial world,

everyone is looking for connection from it,

without real intimacy and soul depth

Now 

I am rebelling against the fast paced current

I won't let it take me

I am slowing down

Floating

Closing my eyes

Letting myself be in this state

where everything in me stops,

even when around there are twirls, tides and turns

This is the place where I exist,

in between three stages

swimming, floating and

resisting to drown

I know someone,

who can stop this all, with no words

Take me out of the sea

Change of scenery,

that's something I often value and need,

but here it's all the same

I've seen dreams so many times where I know how to fly,

and everyone around me is surprised

That freedom I feel when I go up,

I am disappointed to wake up

because it was something so casual,

so natural, to leave

this place,

because I know the things here are only half real

and there is something, a place, where words are not enough

to describe how much better they are

But it promises us this,

No sin,

no pain,

no tears,

no evil,

just state of peace and love

That's what I seek with this floating

I guess I'm just waiting

for it all to be over

but then I swim again,

because the swimming gives me things to experience, to feel, to think,

when I'm in that state where I measure what was it worth?

What did I see when I saw more of the sea and the earth?

Most often, more weighing pain

But it's a priviledge to experience, since it's only in this place

I remind myself when I look at the sky again

The moon, the stars, make me feel so small

and more careless about the things that only seem to matter when

I am building the wrong palace,

the one that turns into dust with it's rusting plates and pots

Seeking the things that are above,

they are all the things that are good, peaceful, something that brings more love

to these dark corners,

spaces that seem to enlarge

and sucking the life and the breath out of every room

Illness, a virus, it makes me seasick

and I don't like it's effect on me,

so I escape it