familiar sound

i woke up and heard a familiar sound

an excited scream, with a hint of suprise

for a moment, i thought i had again locked myself in my childhood bedroom like a typical teenager that needed space

and i heard the voice of my older brother

i was back to that memory,

where they were downstairs,

probably watching some sports

maybe icehockey

shouting at every goal lost, every win

but no,

i didn't wake up in my childhood home

i took a nap and woke up in my adult body

in a different place and it was the voice of another, that distantly with it's familiarity,

and maybe my little dizzy, 

"im almost in a dream" kind of head

brought me to this memory,

i never realised to bring me comfort

and safery with all the eventful things and sounds that took place within it's walls all those years when we still existed there,

when now mostly we are all scattered to be loud elsewhere

for most of my life

i have been and was too young, too stressed, too worried, too caught in my own head,

my own rush to get ahead to realise that

i miss my family; my older brother

who i thought was so distant, but i guess connection can hold little words and still exist with this hidden red line that touches and connects us all even when we do not realise the impact

and i think now, with this distance,

i see my brother and i want to text him, 

call him, he is still very much alive,

but what would i say?

all i know i haven't been present

and we haven't really been there

in each others life

but what am i doing on my part for

it to stay so?

im still young,

but old enough to know 

how fast thing pass by and

it's already autumn and it feels like a week ago it was the new years and i was telling myself the things i was going to do differently and it has already been over a year when someone dear to me passed away and that's how it goes,

you soon look at your hands and truly 

see you are growing old

and really think what are the things

that makes one's life truly 

something that is worth living

worth being alive

and i think for me to even think these things is, because i can not just let it pass by me, while i sit and watch my own life from a television like a zombie,

i can't and i won't 

thanks be to it to you, God,

because you don't want it to be so,

and now we can agree, it shouldn't be like this and maybe there is more to this,

one of them is how important is

the family, and the people you were

trusted to love

will you be the first to cut the distance

that has been created by centuries of pain which is now so evident between us all?