sometimes dissociating, looking at it from afar, i guess, just so it wouldn't hurt as much, but i can't escape, because if i'm not experiencing, am i living at all?
i come back to my body,
feeling the hard feelings,
my chest pumping, beating
bleeding pain
sometimes i feel the weight in my shoulders, like i carry heavy stones
with me everywhere i go,
and i see a glimpse of you, Jesus,
when you got to the cross
and i feel your tears,
how saddened you were,
you are,
about how your children are suffering
my compassion though; it's just a tiny
shadow next to your overwhelming,
blinding and pure love
i wish i could bury myself in it,
and never wake up again to such
a cruel battle in this flesh
that fights against the spirit
every chance it gets
i am my own worst enemy
and i do remember the hard facts
sometimes i feel so beat up,
i don't even feel shame from
the ways i find relief for it
but shame eventually catches up
i feel ashamed from this dirt
sometimes i hate the human experience,
but i know also this,
this is the only chance i get to experience pain, because you promise freedom,
that one day every tear will be worth it
and there will be no more crying
and the lion and lamb shall lie together in peace in the green pastures you lead us
it's just so hard to keep this hope,
when pain is something
that is all that you have known
from the moment you take your first breath,
you are so sensitive to every feeling,
and i think that's something that never left me
i am so sensitive to every sound, every (under)tone, every touch, everything that surrounds us, seen and unseen and sometimes i find ways to block it,
so i can momentarily be like a zombie,
but that's not living and i can't be living like i am dead
but living with this sensitivity,
is sometimes so unbearing to experience,
because it's almost as if i live in another world than most and my reality is questioned so much,
that's why i have tried to jump out of it
and it has left me with so many scars,
so many stories, so many people,
most temporary, yes, you can guess,
i do love people, but i know most
will not have patience to seek love that lasts, and live in another story, that one day, one wrong thing i will probably say (or do) and they won't stay
that's why i'm prepared for every closing door
but i've met fighters, people who will fight to stay, fight to love you, no matter the pain, no matter the friction, the push and pull moments, when you try to keep your self safe by taking distance, they walk the mile to meet you again, i'll never not learn to be ungrateful of it, but sometimes i let out a sigh when i see them walking that mile to be with me, i ask myself "are you not tired yet" but i'm met with only joy
and that i think, represents Jesus and the lost little lamb, He always comes to find and get us, He sacrifices His time for us, isn't that the greatest form of love? and obviously, us humans are imperfect, but if you meet someone who fights for love, you've met a person who fights for the most important thing, for what matters the most, because only love can keep us together and only love can make us understand our broken ways and bring healing to the parts we try to keep in the shadows, in the unseen, because we are afraid. but perfect love casts out fear, it shows the lies and the illusions of what fear creates.
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